Sunday, 27 December 2009
I want to be shocked on the way.. Have my beliefs questioned.. I wnat to see the world through multicolored glasses.. and then I want to break the glasses and see the world again...
I want I want and I need I need the high and the lows of the journey... a journey that never ends...
See this is why I say you don't know me boy.. because if you did you'd see I am standing by your side not in the expectation of where we shall end up but because I need a fellow traveler who wont get motion sickness the moment we hit the road..
the journey won't stop if you change your mind... I shall continue.. find some other traveler eventually.. and even if I don't I shall continue alone... :)
so ... here's the question.. you in or out?
Friday, 25 December 2009
Thursday, 24 December 2009
Yet feel the air beneath my feet?
How can happiness feel so wrong?
How can misery feel so sweet?
How can you let me watch you sleep,
Then break my dreams the way you do?
How can I have got in so deep?
Why did I fall in love with you?
This is the closest thing to crazy I have ever been
Feeling twenty-two, acting seventeen,
This is the nearest thing to crazy I have ever known,
I was never crazy on my own:
And now I know that there's a link between the two,
Being close to craziness and being close to you.
How can you make me fall apart
Then break my fall with loving lies?
It's so easy to break a heart;
It's so easy to close your eyes.
How can you treat me like a child
Yet like a child I yearn from you?
How can anyone feel so wild?
How can anyone feel so blue?
But when I looked back and thought a lil harder than before I figured that life isnt as bad as I sometimes think.
I am not that wise as yet to believe that everything happens for a reason. I still feel down in the dumps when I come close to feeling heavenly and am pushed back into my dark cloud.. again.
BUt I am trying. I am growing. I am trying to fight back. And fight harder than ever before.
Lots of people dont understand why I make so much effort. They say that something that needs so much effort may just be a lost battle for a lost cause. But who am I to judge that? what if I fight and I win?
I fight this hard and make all this effort because I don't start anything with failure in my head. I believe I can win. I believe I can rise from the ashes. As many times as needed.
It's all faith. nothin else. that is all I have. I have good friends who may not understand my approach but still atnd by me. I appreciate that.
THe year is ending and I am back to square one. I take that in my stride. A new year is coming.. with new dreams... with new energy.. with new hopes.
Life hasnt come full circle yet... life has barely crossed an arc.
And I am happy.. with all the experiences I have had. And for everytime I've cried.
And for every smile I have shared.
Monday, 14 December 2009
Thursday, 10 December 2009
Sunday, 29 November 2009
A year of mistakes...
A year of wins..
A year of losing friends and finding new ones..
And finding a true friend in a lost love..
And finally discovering love again..
It has been a beautiful year..
A year of growing up.. A year of feeling betrayed..
A year of feeling completely and totally secure...
The year began with new experiences... some bitter and some absolutely yummily sweet ones.. the year began with leaving best frineds behind... Nikhil, Uttam, Mike, Gopi, Swas, Shreeya, Gauri... Thank you for shaping who I am today..
Thank u Nikhil for taking care of me n loving me.. You influence me and I learn from u everyday...
The year hit its midway streak with a mistake and I nearly lost R in all the chaos.. But we made it.. we learnt new sides of each other and became friends like we'd never thought we would be... We made it through the storm Dean.. We made it through all the demons and shapeshifters.. And now you have finally found what you had been waiting for, for so long.. :)
The year entered a beautiful phase when Rachita, oh so sweetly, brought someone in my life whose charms I resisted stubbornly, only to fall completely head over heels for... :)
Thank u Rachita.. you're slight insight into what I'd like, has given me happiness beyond words...
And finally to the man who makes me smile like a 1000 watt bulb.. :)
I dont say it enough and I dont say it often.. I love you. Your little quirks and the things you do for me have changed my world... I know you think I dont notice them but I do.. I notice every lil tiny gesture and appreciate every sec that I spend with you.. I value all the nights you sacrifice your sleep just so that I can talk to you.. walking up the stairs and finding you standing there, waiting and smiling at me makes every single horrible day worth it :)
You have given me a reason... a reason to believe... a reason to care... you are making me a better person.. Thank You for messaging that night... Thank you for taking me to Morrison.. And thank YOU for asking me out and acting like it was meant to be :)
Thursday, 1 October 2009
And I haven't been this happy in ages...
Yet I feel like there is something missing somewhere... Like I had to do something.. But I cant remember what..
I feel like I have swayed from my actual purpose... the funny part being I have no clue what my actual purpose was.. Nothing stops the constant buzzing in my head.. And the buzzers keep blowing off like an alarm at the end of each day screaming that I've wasted another day doing something that I don't really believe in..
They all tell me I am trying to be a Don Quixote, expecting to change the world... And what angers me most is that I have no arguments to defend my stand...
I am swaying...
Tuesday, 22 September 2009
Wednesday, 26 August 2009
I have fucked things up and I dont completely think I am wrong... I want to go back to pune... I want my friends P, U, M, C, G, Swas and shreeya... I want to hide myself in P's blanket and have him laugh at my stupidities... I want C to tell me that I am overreacting and behaving like a blonde... I want M to sympathesize and G to make fun of me... I want them to crack nasty jokes and I want to throw a tantrum... I want to dance with U and C and see the sunrise... I want Swas to come back... I don't want Swas to leave... I want shreeya to convince me about things I have stopped believing in.. I never should have left Pune.. I am still the caterpillar and I was forced out of my cocoon... I am not ready... I don't understand people and their sentiments... And I don't understand when to talk and when to shut up... I need my guys who didn't care... who understood my follies and loved me anyways... who made me cry and made me laugh but never left me...
I am alone the second time round... And I feel the same pain... the same pain I felt when you left the first time... I am not smart enough or strong enough to deal with this... I am not intelligent enough to understand why you've left... My head is buzzing with static...
I need my guys and Swas... or I WILL go insane... there is nothing for me here in Delhi... Nothing at all... and I HATE THIS PLACE...
Thursday, 6 August 2009
The rains weren't just washing down the dust off the dry windows of this oddly functioning aircraft, they were also washing out the guilt. She was done playing games. She was done giving excuses. She was done making him wait.
But she didn't want to accept just yet the fact, that he wasn't waiting anymore..
And that she was looking for him anyways.
This was wrong. Wrong on so many levels. And yet she needed to be there.. Next to him. Even if he was going to look away. She needed his presence around her being. He was her drug and she didn't want to quit just yet. He gave her a reason to look ahead.
This was wrong. This was something that was going to push her into a deeper abyss, as if it were even possible to fall further. But she knew...
He was worth it.. worth it all...
If only's did cross her mind but she promised herself to not think of the what if's... or fantasize about the possibility of something more...
Taylor Swift's song white horse started playing in the iPod just then...
'I am not a princess.. This aint a fairy tale...'
She smiled at the aptness of these words... She smiled at knowing how well aware she is about her life. And yet how out of control everything seems to be...
She wasn't the loser here. She wasn't the victim... She was just not ready.
She wasn't ready, she felt, to stop this process.. to stop this chaos....
She was rambling again... And this time she decided not to stop. She hadn't talked for a while now and she needed to let it out...
Even if she was talking to herself.
The flight landed. Finally. It was still raining.
And there he was. Standing. He was here as a distant memory. An obligation.
But today was not the day to accept this. Today was not the day to walk into rehab and quit him.
Today she was just going to enjoy his presence and fall...
No... there was no one to catch her.
And yes... she just wanted to know how far can she fall before she crashes and burns...
Tuesday, 28 July 2009
was fun.. was frustrating.. but was fun!
I was stuck in traffic for 3 hours yesterday but seriously the company was so much fun.. people kept cracking jokes..
I am sooooo glad that Zed is here in Delhi with me.. He is one of my closest friends and has a WICKED sense of humour.. I would seriously be bored and lonely if he weren't around..
Zed!!! You're the best!! Even with your crazy gelled hair and 'always-take-her-case-infront-of-everyone' sense of humour!
I am really glad you're here in Delhi too... And I know I take you for granted sometimes but hey I am the 'Bitch', right 'Asshole'? :P
Friday, 17 July 2009
We think too much.
We analyze too much.
And fuck up the simplest thing in the world.. Love.
I love talking about love. Thinking about it. Being in it.
I was born to be in love and love someone. It inspires me and makes me better at everything else in my life.
I don't expect too much out of it. I expect it to last. I expect to feel it.
I just don't want to compromise when it comes to the feeling.
Yet I have this nagging suspicion that our generation has become too aware to be in Love or to fall for someone crazily and move the whole creation just so they can be with them..
Our generation is too practical too logical and too concerned about their own convenience to fall in love in a crazy way. So they love (or think they love) someone in the same city even if they know that this is not it. They know that there was this person they know who is just the person they wanted but she/he is too far you see and who wants a long distance... Can you beat that! In an age of Internet, Facebook, cellphones people are concerned about distance..
There is no desire to actually do something about the distance and still be with the one they love. There is a constant fear that if they make the effort and it doesnt work out then they would have watsed so much time. And so we just let go. Because we are too smart to be in Love. We have other things on our mind.
Our kind of LOve is convenient love.
(This post is the worst ever. No edits. And god knows how many grammatical mistakes.)
Monday, 13 July 2009
Thursday, 9 July 2009
Studied here from 8th till 11th and then came back here for vacations while I was in college. And now I am back here again to work. I love the sights and sounds of this city. The food. The buildings. The history. The language.
Yet I feel more of an alien here than anywhere else.
The constant thing of staying alert. The everyday sermons on staying safe and yet never really feeling completely at ease.
This is what I have realized about this city....
To stay safe never be alone.
If you want to be alone have a car.
But even if you have a car don't drive at night
If you drive at night then make sure your windows are rolled up so that no one knows that there's a girl driving the car alone.
Forget being independent because no one will let you.
To party you'll always need to have a man around.
If you don't want that have a house party.
Maybe I am overreacting!
But do you blame me.. At 5 in the evening yesterday when I was waiting for an auto, a van filled with guys younger to me (for sure) came up on the pavement and tried to run me over for fun. They just wanted to see my freaked out expression and they succeeded. But I cant help but think that if I had jumped in the wrong direction I might have been under that van. Would they have stopped and helped? who knows... I don't.
What I do know is that I felt pretty humiliated. Pretty scared. And suddenly very exposed..
I am adjusting. I hate to say that I am but I don't feel like I have a choice. If I want to fight back I am clueless as to where to start. Everywhere around me people have accepted the situation and to them this incident holds no importance It is commonplace.
So even I have started feeling like 'well get used to it'.. And I don't like this feeling.
Wednesday, 8 July 2009
Now arises the question of his name.. What is my dog's name?? Hehe.. as of now NOTHING!
No...seriously... my family doesn't seem to be able to narrow down to one name...
So it began with Bruno which my Dad coined and I went ballistic.. He had to go ahead and find the most common name in the world! sigh.. so it got rejected!
My mom on the other hand had some pretty creative names but incredibly difficult to use in times of emergency (eg. If he is running really really fast and I need to call him back, the names my mom suggested would take ages to come out of my mouth and by the time my dog would figure out that I was calling him, he would be on another continent :P)
Eventually I decided to name him Leo (Rejected), Dumbledore (Rejected), Loki (Rejected), etc etc etc (Rejected!!)...
So after the endless days of choosing names and then rejecting them we have arrived at this conclusion that Bong families are never satisfied when it comes to names.. I mean before I got named Sanchari my parents had tried naming me ten other different names! ( And I actually did respond to all the names they called me with)
Hence too bad for my poor lil Lab that he has no choice but to be part of this confusion..
P.S. - I have finally narrowed down to Uno but at the rate at which he is growing I might just start calling him Haathi ka Bachcha!! :P
Friday, 26 June 2009
we are both MJ fans.. and every morning we used to listen to the RJ talking about the This is It Tour on 95 HIts FM... And every morning we would invariably start talking about what we like about MJ and our favourite songs.
My favourite song was and will always be Billie Jean... The beats. The voice. The lyrics.
Today when I saw the TV and heard people saying all these great things about him, I felt a lil bit of irritation. I really wanted to know what is the point now of saying all this when these same people ignored the man for so long.
The man made brilliant music and had the craziest style but people just kept looking beyond all of that concentrating more on the controversies that surrounded him. Maybe even me...
A friend of mine Kartik, put this up on his FB status and I am putting it up here...
there's some dude moonwalking on the moon tonight...!There sure is...
Thursday, 25 June 2009
Friday, 8 May 2009
I know why... A couple of months back there was someone who told me that my posts seem morose or filled with self pity... And it made me feel a lil bad... made me feel like maybe I am self pitying myself and putting it up for show..
But honestly I just realised a couple of minutes back that I miss my blog. Right now I am sitting in my best friend's house after a year and I realise that it's ok to feel unhappy and spit it out through some medium.. If I feel like writing about it because it makes me feel better then so be it..
And I feel like I don't need to be anonymous anymore.. Even if I hide my identity here I'd still feel the same things, react the same way... and make the same mistakes..
So hi.. I am Sanchari and I have just moved to Delhi... I am so glad that I got to read some of the amazing stuff you all write... Thank You.
Friday, 20 March 2009
Behind the old smile.
Behind the old memories.
But I am not the old me anymore.
I have changed.
I am different.
And I smile the same.
But I am not the same person anymore.
What A began H ended...
I was trying hard to gain perspective. I was trying hard to move ahead and discover myself. I discovered I am fragile. I connect and I break. I mend the frayed ends only to connect again in a bond I know is weak or burning.
And when I seek you I am not looking for a crutch. I am looking for some familiarity. I am looking for the old me.
I am happy. Indeed I am. I make it a point to count my blessings everyday and yet somewhere I feel empty within. Like something is missing. Some dream unfulfilled. Some wish not heard.
Sw tells me that if we want something real bad then somehow we get it.
Maybe the want was misleaded. I guess it isnt a thing I wanted but a feeling.
But I smile. That is what I do...
Monday, 23 February 2009
It is always just a moment. A moment to put that smile on your face. A smile on mine.
When you walk towards me. With a little look of uncertainty. And another look of certainty. It makes me smile. It makes me forget any doubts I may have.
I am done doubting. I dont need to know the beginning or end anymore.
It is this. This very moment I need. This very moment I want.
Yesterdays and Tomorrows will sort each other out.
Right now at this very moment... this is it.
We live in fantasies.. and so very happily :)
We dream... we breathe in a world that might be so different from what we imagined yet we can so securely build a fantasy and weave a different secure world right in one nice cosy corner of our heads...
I have one... it isnt different from what is around me but it has loads of optimism :P
This is one of those random posts saying absolutely nothon of substance... I am just writing.. for fun.. just like that...
So what has been happening lately... hmmmm... Well whatever has been happening has been making me smile everyday... new things that I am looking forward to even if they are complicated...
I am having a good time!! :)
This was damn random!! :D
Sunday, 15 February 2009
where are you??
the one who is supposed to love me through all my craziness! The one who will actually stand his ground when he says I will love you like no other and through the most furious storms.
Hurry up and come because I miss you. I dont know you yet but I miss you... I know you will make me calmer and make my impulsive childish heart love again..
I am waiting :)
Saturday, 14 February 2009
Wednesday, 11 February 2009
I am suddenly better. I am suddenly fine. I am suddenly realising that this is it. The people have been chosen and I have not been picked.
How many posts I wrote about how if he waited and we met again, we would be great.. HOw many posts I wrote about him. Maybe it was unfair for me to ask something like that.
He has a heart too. And the right to let his heart be free. Free of me.
I am happy for him. And his heart. And for all who live in it.
I was worried for myself. Worried that I may never be able to feel again. Feel so loved. But I think I will manage.
Maybe this is what I needed for closure. Maybe I needed him to state it simply that me and him will never be together. Ever again.
He will never whisper in my ears songs of love. He will never wish for me to be with him on nights of rain. His hand will never hold my hand again. Or cradle my head.
I love... I will always... I wish I had never left. I wish that so badly.
But I will be fine. And he will be happy.
Monday, 26 January 2009
Why are people losing it over Slumdog Millionaire???
It is just a movie... Read the book. It is much much MUCH better... Dont have much to say really except that Slumdog isnt projecting our country in a bad light because what it shows does exist. Might as well face it dont you think.. BUt it isnt a path breaking movie either. It is simply made with above average acting... The dialouges are above average... and that's about it.
again... why is there such a hue and cry about this movie???
Tuesday, 20 January 2009
She'd move a step ahead and a hundred steps back...
But she's trying... And she will keep trying
Last night she woke up to realise who she really is and what she has become. She was a person comfortable with her own being. That was what made her who she was.
And what had she become?
An obsessive paranoid individual...
But she's trying.
To be herself again.
All the best I say... :)
Tuesday, 13 January 2009
A few days ago I met a friend who said 'Your optimism is superficial. Inside you are breaking. You know it is over but you cant accept or you refuse to accept it.'
Ya... I am stubborn that ways.. HeHe...
Why is it that when you give someone attention, they take it in the wrong way and say mean things to you or take you for granted? It is like they are begging you to actually play games with them and ignore them!
The thing is I have never been good at ignoring people I care about. So either I care a lot and give the attention or I dont care at all and give none. And with none I mean ZILCH! I have done that.
Okie... the above stuff was random but I just had to write it..
Last month I had crazzzzzzzy amounts of blonde in my hair! Dont even ask how... It was a result of a tragic colouring mishap...
But thankfully by 31st Dec I had controlled the problem by colouring my hair Burgundy so now "I dont look like a Tiger or a wildcat or I Dont glow in the Dark or Reflect sunlight" much to the dismay of my dearest friends who had a gala time pulling my leg over it.
Best was that even P, who is slightly colourblind and calls dark green, dark red, could see my hair colour when it was blonde!!
Anyways ina couple of hours I will be 21 and I will enjoy myself ofcourse, but call me sad or pathetic or whatever, I will still miss him... I will still think about May.
But I will also take one more step in accepting change.
I will maybe let that boy take me out on a date. [he's sweet :)]. I will grow up... in a good way.
REeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee... you are being missed the most!! dont worry... once I am in Delhi you shall get a TREAT.. Pune style!! :D
Monday, 5 January 2009
I know it can't happen.
I know the schedule.
I know the compulsions and circumstances.
I know I am forbidden to ask.
But I still won't stop praying!
Maybe it'll happen.
Maybe on 14th January 2009, my doorbell will ring and my miracle will be standing there.
Friday, 2 January 2009
I am moved.
I am also left wondering.
Those kids in the movie were prejudiced because of the lives that they had to lead.
Because of the violence they saw. And still Mrs G managed to bring them together.
But the people I know are educated. They have led comfortable lives. They have studied in good schools. They are now in good universities.
What excuse do THEY have to be prejudiced?
Am I strong enough to break such prejudices?
Am I strong enough to deal with them and stand my ground?